Xanax - 6 months off

I haven't touched a Xanax in six months.  I won't lie and say I haven't craved one but I don't want to set my recovery back so I am determined not to touch Xanax.  Since my doctor upped my Cymbalta and Zyprexa, I haven't had the sensations of nerve tingling all over my body.  My sleep has not improved.  The other night, I woke up to see my hand balled into a fist and travelling towards my fiancee.  Yeah I was about to punch her in the arm but woke up before I connected.  I really want to work on this sleep issue of mine.  She has issues of her own and doesn't need to put up shields while asleep to prevent her from getting hit either with my fist or my elbow.   We have temporarily cancelled wedding plans for the moment.   We have other issues more pressing to deal with first.  Emotionally, I'm feeling great. 

A few weeks ago, we took a trip to Valparaiso, Indiana for a BeautiControl training for Leanne.  She drove the whole six hours herself.  We went with a friend and this friend had to drive me back because of a panic attack.  Leanne came home later with her director.  I'm so proud of her. Last weekend, we had a booth at our local Oktoberfest and we stayed nearly six hours trying to drum up business.  

Major recovery news

When I was still battling paruresis (bashful bladder syndrome) I bought a couple boxes of straight catheters that I learn to use on myself.  It gave me temporary relief of urinary retention. Since my prostate surgery (during which the surgeon also fixed a narrow neck of the bladder)  I have had no problems with urinary retention and I feel so confident about that, that I threw out my catheters.  So, I gave up my Xanax two and a half months ago, and shortly thereafter I gave up my catheters.   I'm throwing all my crutches away, one at a time. I have also stopped individual therapy to move on to couples' counseling so that my fiancee and I can learn how to talk to each other so we'll listen.   On the other hand, due to my sleep problems, my doctor and I decided to increase my Cymbalta to 90mg a day and my Zyprexa to 5mg a day.  I see him in a few weeks and we'll see how that has gone. The other reason for the meds increase is that I've had nerves firing all over my body, making me feel like my whole body itches.  Despite this latest problem, I still think I'm doing well and am proud of my progress.  

Sleep problems

I'm trying to deal with my individual problems one by one.  Anxiety is down, no panic attacks, I quit Xanax and the only thing I can see left is my problems with sleep.  I've had these problems for years but I guess Xanax took my desire to do anything about it away.   It seems when I fall asleep, I dream of my family and while in the dream I'm cordial to them, on the outside I'm kicking and thrashing in my sleep.  I've hit my fiancee and thrown my cat while asleep.    The technical term for this is  parasomnias.  Everything I've read says this occurs when you are acting out what is happening in your dreams.  The problem is that I'm NOT thrashing or fighting in my dreams.   I'm not done researching but so far all I've hit is dead ends.  I don't remember how long ago it was that I slept well.  My fiancee says that last night I was rigorously scratching my butt.   If something doesn't change soon, I plan to call my primary care doctor and fill him in and see if he can't refer me to a sleep doctor.   I go to sleep tired and wake up tired.  Suggestions are welcome including those suggestions that come with a web link. 

Off Xanax - 1 month later

Tomorrow will be one month I'm off Xanax.  I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.  My senses aren't dulled and my enthusiasm and passion for life is greater than ever.  The withdrawal effects have almost totally disappeared.  I occasionally have waves of nausea but it goes away.  I do experience waves of anxiety from time to time but I look at it in wonder and observe it.  It never ceases to fade away.  It turns out that Xanax may have dulled the panic attacks but it also dulled my enthusiasm and excitement for life too.  Guess you trade  off one for the other but I've taken back my excitement and enthusiasm   Next up is my wedding in civil court May 25th and I can't wait!  I see my psychiatrist in July and we'll talk about the remaining medications I'm on but there's no hurry.   Life, here I come!  Full speed ahead!  

One week without Xanax

It's a week now after I took my last Xanax.  I do still have a yearning for Xanax.  Anytime I feel a little anxiety, my first impulse is to grab a Xanax.  That's been my practice for 25 years.  Now I use my DBT skills and it goes away.   I'm still feeling nausea and stomach upset.  I was on generic Xanax and I think it's the fillers they put in generics that's upsetting me.  Still time passes on and I'm so happy each day that passes without using Xanax.  I think the toughest part of no longer using Xanax is that it has been a part of my life for so long and it's like I'm switching gears and going in another direction.  We humans love familiarity and we are so against change.   I'm here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with change as it can be what is best for you.  

To get off Xanax, you have to first forge a life without drama.  It helps to have the support of friends, family and medical professionals.  Then you have to learn to trust yourself and your body.  Setting a strict schedule to taper off Xanax is a recipe for disaster.  The best way to taper off Xanax is to let your body determine the next taper and tlhe next.   I went something like two months per taper but that's just how it worked out.  With each taper, I became more confident.  When your body is ready for the next taper, then you taper.  That is the best way to taper....at least in my experience. 

I'll post next at one month off Xanax. :)

Day 1 without Xanax

I went to work today.  The only thing I noticed being 24 hours without Xanax is that I'm a little "wired" like I had a ton of energy and nowhere to put it.  Other than that, I'm thrilled I finally quit Xanax.  Called the pharmacist and found out that it would take several days to get 25 years of Xanax out of my body.  i aimed for a June 9, 2012 termination of Xanax termination and got to it earlier than anticipated.   Feeling real good but learned I have to take my Enablex on time so my bladder doesn't go into overdrive. LOL   So far so good and looking forward to continued success.   It helps to have a loving and supportive fiancee' plus an anti-benzo psychiatrist. 

Xanax Dilemma

After nearly 20 years on Xanax,  I'm on the home stretch of coming off of it.  I'm on Cymbalta and Zyprexa still  but will wait on re-evaluation of these medications.  My current quandry is that I take .25 Xanax per day, half in the morning and half at dinner time.  I want to come off of it and I'm on a small enough dose that I SHOULD be able to stop it now and not have any withdrawals.  However,  I'm not sure if I'm ready to risk it.  I have a lot coming up and want to do all of it.  Therefore, I don't want to do anything to sabotage it.   I think I'll carry a couple of half tablets of Xanax on me but will stop using it completely and see how it goes.  I can always take it if I need it.  I can't foresee any problems but that doesn't mean there won't be any.   I'm feeling much more confident these days.    I'll try to post soon how it's going but I can use support and prayers.   Let's see what happens, shall we? 

Meeting this week with my niece

This week I saw my niece.  My immediate family and I had a falling out two years ago and we haven't spoken to each other since.  My niece came to my work and my initial reaction was to snap at her "What are you doing here?"  To her credit, she handled it with grace and said she wanted to talk to me.  She asked if I'd be around at noon and I said my lunch time was at 1pm.  She came back at 12:30pm.  We talked a while and  she told me some things.  My dad was in a wheelchair short term due to a leg injury and a hip problem but he has recovered and is walking and back at work.   My nephew is moving to Iowa in a few months with his girlfriend and a friend of his.  My sister and brother in law are doing ok as they can be.  Unfortunately my niece and her husband are partially separated and may be doing so permanently.   I told her that I had prostate cancer surgery last September and that I was still recovering.  I also told her about the fire in our building this past January 8th.  We had a nice chat and after a bit, I told her I had to get back to work.   When she left, I felt emotionally better than I have in a very long time.  I had some semblance of peace.   The family feels the impact of our falling out as I do and is respectfully giving me time and space.  Some family members can never be forgiven for what they did but others have some hope.   I'm tired of being intimidated and I'm tired of being walked on so while there is little hope of reconciliation,  there is a release, a letting go.  This is real progress so I'm glad I talked to my niece AND as long as she remains respectful, she can return to where I work and we can talk more. 

Xanax

I was put on Xanax in 1987.   It was supposed to take the edge of panic attacks until I could seek therapeutic help.  I have been on it for over twenty years but I've since learned that one should not take Xanax for more than a few weeks.  After that time, either therapy should have taken effect or another medication be used. The new medication should be begun, hopefully,  with fewer side effects and lesser chance of addiction. Here I am, more than a couple decades later, weaning off Xanax.  I've weaned from .5 four times a day to a half tablet of .25 taken twice a day.   All of this has taken a couple of years.  I have to cut it down a half tablet at a time, wait for the effects of that weaning to cease and do it again.   It's a slow process, not helped by life's crises.   I suspect I should be down to .125 mg at bedtime by mid-summer and off Xanax by the end of summer or early Winter 2012.   I feel for anyone put on Xanax and not removed in short order.  Substituting Klonopin or Activan for Xanax is no substitution either.  Ativan is stronger than Xanax and Klonopin lasts longer in the blood stream.  Make no mistake about it, Ativan and Klonopin are addictive as well.  

Emergency dentist visit

Yesterday, I treated myself to a Whopper meal from Burger King at lunchtime.  As I was finishing my fries, I felt pain in my mouth and realized I broke a tooth. I took a half-day off work and  I quickly got myself to a phone to call my dentist.  He was unavailable and the receptionist asked if I wanted to make an appointment for Monday.  I told her I needed immediate care.  She did some research and suggested another dentist.  I  did a little research of my own and found one not far from work.  After about a half-hour of getting the group number of the dentist and a fax number to give to my insurance to get the referral through, I set up the appointment.  It was on the 20th floor of an office building. They had me fill out some paperwork then set about xraying the offending tooth.  The dentist told me the tooth was cracked and had to go.  I took a Xanax then the dentist shot my upper palate and gums with Novocaine.  About ten minutes later, the dentist then began pulling the tooth.  The scariest part was the Novocaine not only froze the area around the tooth but also the lower eyelid of my left eye and my left nostril.  I guess the nerves are all connected.  The extraction took about an hour.  I had a few moderate panic attacks but I kept it together quite well.  Afterward, there was a period of cleaning up.  My left side upper jaw was swollen and there was some blood left on my lips.  I was given prescriptions for pain killers (Tylenol 3 with codeine) and an antibiotic (Amoxicillin).  I left the building after paying the bill, walked about three blocks to Walgreens, got my meds, and took a cab home.  I was told the Novocaine would take about 2-3 hours to wear off..yeah right, it took nearly SEVEN hours.  I guess I'm getting mentally stronger enduring this without much additional Xanax.   It is now nearly 12 hours since extraction and while I feel sore, I'm doing very well.  

FIRE!!!

http://theworldofmaxkohn.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/fire/

This past Sunday, we had a fire in our apartment building five floors below us.  At one point, we thought we were going to die.  Then after we got out safely, we thought our cat, who were forced to leave behind, was dead.  While we all got out safely, unfortunately, one young woman in her 30s was,killed by smoke inhalation and carbon monoxide poisoning.  We live on the 17th floor of a 21 floor building.  We had to run down 17 flights of stairs. The exertion plus the fear caused me to start to panic but I had to shrug it off temporarily otherwise the hyperventilation would have caused me to inhale too much smoke.  We were shaky all week, jumping at every noise.  I was emotional, knowing how close we all got to death.  I took a week off of work to try to collect myself and help Leanne and I regain our center and our feelings of safety and security.  The apartment management has gone all out,  providing dinner for everyone all week plus free laundry and free dry cleaning.   The woman who died, did so on an elevator so that elevator was damaged.  She didn't know there was a fire and by the time she learned about it, she was dead.   I feel bad about her dying.  

I also felt bad that here I am facing death for the second time in less than 3 months  (third time in five years) and my family is nowhere to be found.  I guess they no longer care about me, if they ever did.   I guess it was all about what I could do for them and when I decided to stop giving them and go get myself a life with Leanne, they wrote me off.  I have to find a way to accept their decision and let them go in peace.   I'm not sure how that will look, feel, sound, etc but I'm working on that next.   The only family I now have is Leanne and our cat, Jacob. 

In my next blog, I'll discuss more about Dialectic Behavior Therapy. 

How DBT group works

For those of you considering joining a DBT group, I  thought I'd let you know how it works, generally.  First thing that happens is introductions including the instructor.  You learn a bit about each other since you'll be spending many weeks together learning and practicing these skills.  Then the overall rules of group is handed out.  Your attendance is important and being on time is imperative to avoid disrupting group sessions. The teacher gives you a phone number you can use to contact him or her in case of absence or lateness.  Doing the homework is essential to learning how to put these skills into use.  After the introductions and rules, you get to the first module - mindfulness.  I'll explore this module in detail in my next blog.  For the next three or four blogs, I'll explain the skills and a little of how I use them.  Back to group structure, the way it works after the first meeting is that you are taught the skills, you share with other group members how you could use them in your own life, then you get homework.  Subsequently,  when you return to group, you go over the homework and everyone shares if they choose how they used the skills.  The group offers suggestions on other ways you can use them and  after the homework, you learn other skills in the module.  The instructor tries to get everyone to share their ideas of how the skills can be used and also how everyone DID use them.   It's a real informal group settings with lessons, discussions and homework.  I'm rather shy but I loosened up after a couple of sessions. The instructor helped by asking me to share with the group which I did.   When I went, each group session lasted 90 minutes, give or take five minutes.