tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108805682024-03-07T12:51:16.090-06:00Freedom from Anxiety and DepressionHere I let others look into what I have gone through, where I am, and where I'm going in regards to my recovery from anxiety disorders.Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-48452926533889119332021-04-02T22:40:00.004-05:002022-02-15T21:59:03.757-06:00Understanding and a new mindset <p><span style="font-family: arial;"><b> For forty years I've been lugging a ton of rage, blame, shame, judgment, and more. I have suffered a lot of abuse in my life and somehow I got the thought in mind that these abusers will suffer if I stay angry. I know, weird huh? Ultimately, the only one suffering was me. To bring you up to speed, my dad passed away on December 4, 2020, of COVID and pneumonia. My rage prevented me from seeing other peoples' points of view and prevented me from understanding. I take full responsibility for this. I could have stood up for myself but was too chicken to do so. Due to the abuse, I felt I had to abuse myself. I was full of self-hated for decades. For decades I followed so many self-help gurus who told me I needed to release all this rage and forgive everyone involved, including myself. Subconsciously I knew this was true but I couldn't figure out the roadmap, the steps, to do this. Last December, I started therapy - initially for ADHD but after my dad died, it pivoted to figuring out this rage stuff. The therapist and I met every few weeks and slowly he was able to open me up to considering understanding what happened, why the people involved acted as they did. I learned they didn't mean any malice to me. In many cases, they were abused too. Some people who are abused at an early age grow up believing that abusing someone is showing that person that they love them. Slowly but surely, all that negative energy stored in my chest dissipated. I feel no hate, I'm no longer mad at anyone. I've learned that when I say "I don't know", "I don't know how" these were a part of a defense mechanism from decades ago. So now. when I don't want to do something, rather than say that, I say "I will learn how." Some of what I am learning, I never realized before. It is enlightening, most of it, and some is a little disheartening but all of it is learning experiences for me. </b></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>In the coming weeks and months, I'm going to be sharing more of what I have learned and why all of this understanding is so freeing for me. I can listen to the lessons and not blame anybody or get mad at anyone. </b></span></p><p><br /></p>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0West Des Moines, IA, USA41.5638902 -93.75938409999999113.253656363821158 -128.91563409999998 69.874124036178841 -58.603134099999991tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-55336109323105930902018-09-18T16:39:00.000-05:002019-02-21T15:38:02.025-06:00Another update <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b> Well, another two years have passed since my last blog entry. A lot has happened. We have had the landlords from hell in Chicagoland including the suburb of Cicero. Last month we decided to make a huge leap and move to Des Moines, Iowa. The ride took six hours including four stops on August 31st. I took a Klonopin before we started and I had a great time riding and navigating us while Leanne drove. </b></span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've been in Des Moines for about two weeks and in that time, I've had one panic attack and two anxiety attacks. I ran out of Klonopin on August 2nd which means I've been for two weeks I ran out because Anthony was taking my Klonopin behind my back. At first, I took 50mg of Trazadone to deal with anxiety and panic attack. Once I got past two weeks without Klonopin I had gone through the withdrawal and got to the other side. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm shocked how well I'm doing. My only crutch is the internet, Facebook and my phone accessing these things. We are going to look for a home and a used car soon. We have been living in an inn for a little over two weeks. It's a nice cheap place. Also, sad news. Leanne's first husband and father of her son passed away on August 31st. He had brain cancer and was suffering for a long time. Her son, Anthony, is taking it hard. His aunts and uncles are helping as much as they can. We are trying to give him space and time to deal with this death in his own way. I never met Mario (Anthony's dad and Leanne's first husband). Yet being an empath, I felt Anthony's pain. Anthony came with Leanne and me from Cicero, Il. It's a long story I won't get into. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My current dilemma is getting my refills of Trazadone, Effexor, and Zyprexa here in Iowa. I was on Medicaid in Illinois and now I have to sign up for Iowa Medicaid. Pray I get it fast after I apply or I will have to endure whatever will happen when I go off ALL my medication. I'll post updates to all of this when there is more to update. Stay tuned for updates. </span></b>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-66967365602961673832015-10-28T23:19:00.001-05:002015-12-21T00:56:25.811-06:00Update on me<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Been two years since I updated this blog and lots happened. First off, still off Xanax but using a small dose of Klonopin for my parasomnias. Also added Trazodone which is helping me sleep without thrashing. So far so good. My anxiety is mostly under control despite going to White Sox Park June 9, 2014 with Leanne and had a massive panic attack, and left the park after 3 innings. Next season we'll be going back to White Sox Park and trying to stay the whole game. Maybe the Sox will have a better team. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I lost my job March 23, 2015 with the charge being I falsified my FMLA papers. We fought it and had a grievance hearing April 23rd and the result on May 23rd was that I will still fired. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I've decided my next career will be a social media marketing person...maybe even a director. I'm going to take some "classes" at Score Chicago and then look for a job immediately in that field. At the moment, I'm living on my pension which I was able to salvage. I was turned down for unemployment benefits. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-46394432667263630602013-08-21T12:35:00.004-05:002013-08-21T12:35:41.422-05:00Latest update - August 2013<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>It i</b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>s now almost a year and a half off Xanax. I'm doing well. Apparently my paruresis had a physical element to it -- a narrow bladder neck. I'm still off Xanax and still on Cymbalta and Zyprexa. I can see the Zyprexa as it's a mood stabilizer and my mood has been anything but stabilized. I recently asked my psychiatrist for a medication review and he refused saying I needed to be on EXACTLY what I'm on now with no changes. That doesn't rub me right so when I saw my primary care doctor and told him what happened, we agreed he'd help me find a new psychiatrist. After a couple false starts, I believe we have found him. In addition to Cymbalta and Zyprexa i'm also on a blood pressure medication, Provigil to keep me awake when I'm at work, and i take a very low dose of Klonopin before I go to bed as I also have sleep apnea. I'm not getting younger so I have learned I have to take good care of myself so I can be of use to my girl. :) </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-33950021745380813212013-04-07T14:33:00.000-05:002013-04-07T14:33:32.117-05:001 year off Xanax<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I've been off Xanax one year as of tomorrow. I rarely take .125 xanax when under intense anxiety situations like seeing the dentist. I'm still shocked that I got off so easily but I really let my body set the schedule. When my body and mind felt ready, I decreased but not until. You have to be really self-aware to use this method to come off of Xanax. Recently I was diagnosed with a moderate form of sleep apnea and the doctor told me he was considering putting me on Klonopin but after being on Xanax for over thirty years and taking just under two years to wean off, I was reluctant to go back on a benzo. I'm grateful that instead of Klonopin, the doctor put me on Melatonin which I think will work better for me. Being off Xanax and not having withdrawal symptoms to deal with has been wonderful. I have occasional bouts of anxiety but I use mental tools (CBT or DBT) to get past them. I'm learning to be a good friend to myself. I'm still on Cymbalta and Zyprexa but neither of them is as addictive as benzos. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-35832578415282459982013-03-24T14:13:00.002-05:002013-03-24T14:13:51.088-05:00Sleep disorders<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being with <a class="g-profile" href="http://plus.google.com/106098898179346090929" target="_blank">+Leanne Edwards</a> has been wonderful for my anxiety disorders. Been flashing back on my panic attacks from the past. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. I'm grateful to God I no longer have them. I keep getting better and better. Next on my health to-do list is dealing with my sleep disorders. I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea (moderate form) and parasomnias. A few weeks ago I went for a sleep study to get this diagnosis. In a few weeks (night of March 31st to morning of April 1) I go for a CPAP titration test where I will sleep, wired up to a machine for monitoring purposes AND wearing a mask that has preset oxygen levels pumped through that will be increased incrementally. I hope to solve my sleep problems in a very short time but will try to avoid using benzos to treat the sleep apnea. I"m nervous about having oxygen forced into my lungs like this because I tried it during the sleep study and it was scary. I'm going to google more about the CPAP titration test and see if I can find a way to relax during this test. Suggestions from those reading this will be appreciated. </span></b>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-27017880791265326452012-10-08T14:02:00.000-05:002013-03-24T14:14:28.929-05:00Xanax - 6 months off<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I haven't touched a Xanax in six months. I won't lie and say I haven't craved one but I don't want to set my recovery back so I am determined not to touch Xanax. Since my doctor upped my Cymbalta and Zyprexa, I haven't had the sensations of nerve tingling all over my body. My sleep has not improved. The other night, I woke up to see my hand balled into a fist and travelling towards my fiancee. Yeah I was about to punch her in the arm but woke up before I connected. I really want to work on this sleep issue of mine. She has issues of her own and doesn't need to put up shields while asleep to prevent her from getting hit either with my fist or my elbow. We have temporarily cancelled wedding plans for the moment. We have other issues more pressing to deal with first. Emotionally, I'm feeling great. </b></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>A few weeks ago, we took a trip to Valparaiso, Indiana for a BeautiControl training for Leanne. She drove the whole six hours herself. We went with a friend and this friend had to drive me back because of a panic attack. Leanne came home later with her director. I'm so proud of her. Last weekend, we had a booth at our local Oktoberfest and we stayed nearly six hours trying to drum up business. </b></span></div>
Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-51449208133520458182012-07-08T14:58:00.001-05:002012-07-08T14:58:30.340-05:00Major recovery news<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I was still battling paruresis (bashful bladder syndrome) I bought a couple boxes of straight catheters that I learn to use on myself. It gave me temporary relief of urinary retention. Since my prostate surgery (during which the surgeon also fixed a narrow neck of the bladder) I have had no problems with urinary retention and I feel so confident about that, that I threw out my catheters. So, I gave up my Xanax two and a half months ago, and shortly thereafter I gave up my catheters. I'm throwing all my crutches away, one at a time. I have also stopped individual therapy to move on to couples' counseling so that my fiancee and I can learn how to talk to each other so we'll listen. On the other hand, due to my sleep problems, my doctor and I decided to increase my Cymbalta to 90mg a day and my Zyprexa to 5mg a day. I see him in a few weeks and we'll see how that has gone. The other reason for the meds increase is that I've had nerves firing all over my body, making me feel like my whole body itches. Despite this latest problem, I still think I'm doing well and am proud of my progress. </span></b>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-4102290469725086982012-05-12T17:35:00.000-05:002012-05-12T17:35:42.529-05:00Sleep problems<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I'm trying to deal with my individual problems one by one. Anxiety is down, no panic attacks, I quit Xanax and the only thing I can see left is my problems with sleep. I've had these problems for years but I guess Xanax took my desire to do anything about it away. It seems when I fall asleep, I dream of my family and while in the dream I'm cordial to them, on the outside I'm kicking and thrashing in my sleep. I've hit my fiancee and thrown my cat while asleep. The technical term for this is parasomnias. Everything I've read says this occurs when you are acting out what is happening in your dreams. The problem is that I'm NOT thrashing or fighting in my dreams. I'm not done researching but so far all I've hit is dead ends. I don't remember how long ago it was that I slept well. My fiancee says that last night I was rigorously scratching my butt. If something doesn't change soon, I plan to call my primary care doctor and fill him in and see if he can't refer me to a sleep doctor. I go to sleep tired and wake up tired. Suggestions are welcome including those suggestions that come with a web link. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-6725594794968472682012-04-28T16:12:00.001-05:002012-04-28T16:12:56.148-05:00Off Xanax - 1 month later<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Tomorrow will be one month I'm off Xanax. I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. My senses aren't dulled and my enthusiasm and passion for life is greater than ever. The withdrawal effects have almost totally disappeared. I occasionally have waves of nausea but it goes away. I do experience waves of anxiety from time to time but I look at it in wonder and observe it. It never ceases to fade away. It turns out that Xanax may have dulled the panic attacks but it also dulled my enthusiasm and excitement for life too. Guess you trade off one for the other but I've taken back my excitement and enthusiasm Next up is my wedding in civil court May 25th and I can't wait! I see my psychiatrist in July and we'll talk about the remaining medications I'm on but there's no hurry. Life, here I come! Full speed ahead! </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-77434364233927048792012-04-15T23:00:00.000-05:002012-04-15T23:01:49.870-05:00One week without Xanax<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's a week now after I took my last Xanax. I do still have a yearning for Xanax. Anytime I feel a little anxiety, my first impulse is to grab a Xanax. That's been my practice for 25 years. Now I use my DBT skills and it goes away. I'm still feeling nausea and stomach upset. I was on generic Xanax and I think it's the fillers they put in generics that's upsetting me. Still time passes on and I'm so happy each day that passes without using Xanax. I think the toughest part of no longer using Xanax is that it has been a part of my life for so long and it's like I'm switching gears and going in another direction. We humans love familiarity and we are so against change. I'm here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with change as it can be what is best for you. </span></b><br />
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To get off Xanax, you have to first forge a life without drama. It helps to have the support of friends, family and medical professionals. Then you have to learn to trust yourself and your body. Setting a strict schedule to taper off Xanax is a recipe for disaster. The best way to taper off Xanax is to let your body determine the next taper and tlhe next. I went something like two months per taper but that's just how it worked out. With each taper, I became more confident. When your body is ready for the next taper, then you taper. That is the best way to taper....at least in my experience. </span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'll post next at one month off Xanax. :)</span></b></div>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-1671367250791386792012-04-09T19:10:00.000-05:002012-04-09T19:10:17.441-05:00Day 1 without Xanax<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I went to work today. The only thing I noticed being 24 hours without Xanax is that I'm a little "wired" like I had a ton of energy and nowhere to put it. Other than that, I'm thrilled I finally quit Xanax. Called the pharmacist and found out that it would take several days to get 25 years of Xanax out of my body. i aimed for a June 9, 2012 termination of Xanax termination and got to it earlier than anticipated. Feeling real good but learned I have to take my Enablex on time so my bladder doesn't go into overdrive. LOL So far so good and looking forward to continued success. It helps to have a loving and supportive fiancee' plus an anti-benzo psychiatrist. </span></b>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-12324739670257944422012-04-08T15:08:00.001-05:002012-04-08T15:08:45.586-05:00Xanax Dilemma<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After nearly 20 years on Xanax, I'm on the home stretch of coming off of it. I'm on Cymbalta and Zyprexa still but will wait on re-evaluation of these medications. My current quandry is that I take .25 Xanax per day, half in the morning and half at dinner time. I want to come off of it and I'm on a small enough dose that I SHOULD be able to stop it now and not have any withdrawals. However, I'm not sure if I'm ready to risk it. I have a lot coming up and want to do all of it. Therefore, I don't want to do anything to sabotage it. I think I'll carry a couple of half tablets of Xanax on me but will stop using it completely and see how it goes. I can always take it if I need it. I can't foresee any problems but that doesn't mean there won't be any. I'm feeling much more confident these days. I'll try to post soon how it's going but I can use support and prayers. Let's see what happens, shall we? </span></b>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-49607372280291058302012-02-18T16:29:00.000-06:002015-12-21T00:57:45.115-06:00Meeting this week with my niece<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>This week I saw my niece. My immediate family and I had a falling out two years ago and we haven't spoken to each other since. My niece came to my work and my initial reaction was to snap at her "What are you doing here?" To her credit, she handled it with grace and said she wanted to talk to me. She asked if I'd be around at noon and I said my lunch time was at 1pm. She came back at 12:30pm. We talked a while and she told me some things. My dad was in a wheelchair short term due to a leg injury and a hip problem but he has recovered and is walking and back at work. My nephew is moving to Iowa in a few months with his girlfriend and a friend of his. My sister and brother in law are doing ok as they can be. Unfortunately my niece and her husband are partially separated and may be doing so permanently. I told her that I had prostate cancer surgery last September and that I was still recovering. I also told her about the fire in our building this past January 8th. We had a nice chat and after a bit, I told her I had to get back to work. When she left, I felt emotionally better than I have in a very long time. I had some semblance of peace. The family feels the impact of our falling out as I do and is respectfully giving me time and space. Some family members can never be forgiven for what they did but others have some hope. I'm tired of being intimidated and I'm tired of being walked on so while there is little hope of reconciliation, there is a release, a letting go. This is real progress so I'm glad I talked to my niece AND as long as she remains respectful, she can return to where I work and we can talk more. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-46804715259414922132012-02-11T23:23:00.000-06:002013-04-07T14:43:51.330-05:00Xanax<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I was put on Xanax in 1987. It was supposed to take the edge of panic attacks until I could seek therapeutic help. I have been on it for over twenty years but I've since learned that one should not take Xanax for more than a few weeks. After that time, either therapy should have taken effect or another medication be used. The new medication should be begun, hopefully, with fewer side effects and lesser chance of addiction. Here I am, more than a couple decades later, weaning off Xanax. I've weaned from .5 four times a day to a half tablet of .25 taken twice a day. All of this has taken a couple of years. I have to cut it down a half tablet at a time, wait for the effects of that weaning to cease and do it again. It's a slow process, not helped by life's crises. I suspect I should be down to .125 mg at bedtime by mid-summer and off Xanax by the end of summer or early Winter 2012. I feel for anyone put on Xanax and not removed in short order. Substituting Klonopin or Activan for Xanax is no substitution either. Ativan is stronger than Xanax and Klonopin lasts longer in the blood stream. Make no mistake about it, Ativan and Klonopin are addictive as well. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-12290200623051849572012-02-03T19:34:00.001-06:002022-02-15T22:03:11.567-06:00Emergency dentist visit<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Yesterday, <strike>I</strike> treated myself to a Whopper meal from Burger King at lunchtime. As I was finishing my fries, I felt pain in my mouth and realized I broke a tooth. I took a half-day off work and I quickly got myself to a phone to call my dentist. He was unavailable and the receptionist asked if I wanted to make an appointment for Monday. I told her I needed immediate care. She did some research and suggested another dentist. I did a little research of my own and found one not far from work. After about a half-hour of getting the group number of the dentist and a fax number to give to my insurance to get the referral through, I set up the appointment. It was on the 20th floor of an office building. They had me fill out some paperwork then set about xraying the offending tooth. The dentist told me the tooth was cracked and had to go. I took a Xanax then the dentist shot my upper palate and gums with Novocaine. About ten minutes later, the dentist then began pulling the tooth. The scariest part was the Novocaine not only froze the area around the tooth but also the lower eyelid of my left eye and my left nostril. I guess the nerves are all connected. The extraction took about an hour. I had a few moderate panic attacks but I kept it together quite well. Afterward, there was a period of cleaning up. My left side upper jaw was swollen and there was some blood left on my lips. I was given prescriptions for pain killers (Tylenol 3 with codeine) and an antibiotic (Amoxicillin). I left the building after paying the bill, walked about three blocks to Walgreens, got my meds, and took a cab home. I was told the Novocaine would take about 2-3 hours to wear off..yeah right, it took nearly SEVEN hours. I guess I'm getting mentally stronger enduring this without much additional Xanax. It is now nearly 12 hours since extraction and while I feel sore, I'm doing very well. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-22477568778423829112012-01-12T22:32:00.001-06:002012-01-12T22:32:27.089-06:00FIRE!!!<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://theworldofmaxkohn.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/fire/" target="_blank">http://theworldofmaxkohn.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/fire/</a></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
This past Sunday, we had a fire in our apartment building five floors below us. At one point, we thought we were going to die. Then after we got out safely, we thought our cat, who were forced to leave behind, was dead. While we all got out safely, unfortunately, one young woman in her 30s was,killed by smoke inhalation and carbon monoxide poisoning. We live on the 17th floor of a 21 floor building. We had to run down 17 flights of stairs. The exertion plus the fear caused me to start to panic but I had to shrug it off temporarily otherwise the hyperventilation would have caused me to inhale too much smoke. We were shaky all week, jumping at every noise. I was emotional, knowing how close we all got to death. I took a week off of work to try to collect myself and help Leanne and I regain our center and our feelings of safety and security. The apartment management has gone all out, providing dinner for everyone all week plus free laundry and free dry cleaning. The woman who died, did so on an elevator so that elevator was damaged. She didn't know there was a fire and by the time she learned about it, she was dead. I feel bad about her dying. </b></span><div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I also felt bad that here I am facing death for the second time in less than 3 months (third time in five years) and my family is nowhere to be found. I guess they no longer care about me, if they ever did. I guess it was all about what I could do for them and when I decided to stop giving them and go get myself a life with Leanne, they wrote me off. I have to find a way to accept their decision and let them go in peace. I'm not sure how that will look, feel, sound, etc but I'm working on that next. The only family I now have is Leanne and our cat, Jacob. </b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>In my next blog, I'll discuss more about Dialectic Behavior Therapy. </b></span></div>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-69465681342578096002012-01-07T17:22:00.000-06:002012-01-07T17:22:05.200-06:00How DBT group works<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>For those of you considering joining a DBT group, I thought I'd let you know how it works, generally. First thing that happens is introductions including the instructor. You learn a bit about each other since you'll be spending many weeks together learning and practicing these skills. Then the overall rules of group is handed out. Your attendance is important and being on time is imperative to avoid disrupting group sessions. The teacher gives you a phone number you can use to contact him or her in case of absence or lateness. Doing the homework is essential to learning how to put these skills into use. After the introductions and rules, you get to the first module - mindfulness. I'll explore this module in detail in my next blog. For the next three or four blogs, I'll explain the skills and a little of how I use them. Back to group structure, the way it works after the first meeting is that you are taught the skills, you share with other group members how you could use them in your own life, then you get homework. Subsequently, when you return to group, you go over the homework and everyone shares if they choose how they used the skills. The group offers suggestions on other ways you can use them and after the homework, you learn other skills in the module. The instructor tries to get everyone to share their ideas of how the skills can be used and also how everyone DID use them. It's a real informal group settings with lessons, discussions and homework. I'm rather shy but I loosened up after a couple of sessions. The instructor helped by asking me to share with the group which I did. When I went, each group session lasted 90 minutes, give or take five minutes. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-45241487894626007152011-12-27T17:53:00.003-06:002011-12-27T17:53:48.163-06:00Dialectic Behavior Therapy<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>For the last year or so, I have been in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT). It's done wonders in giving me skills to deal with anxiety in all forms. DBT offers four groups or modules in interrelated skills. First off, there is mindfulness which is being aware of everything around you and all aspects of a situation. This is so important to solving problems and just getting along with others. Then there is interpersonal skills which are vital, seeing as we are social creatures and these skills will help you relate to others. Interpersonal skills are broken down by which of three areas are pertinent to the current situation: goal-orientated, how others will view us and how we view ourselves. Once we know which of these three are most important in a situation, that will determine which of the three skills corresponding to those three areas to use. The next set of skills are emotional regulation which is understanding what emotion we're feeling, why we're feeling it, and how best to communicate that emotion. Finally there are distress tolerance skills which when things are at their worst (a temporary condition), how to tolerate and survive through this momentary crisis. I've learned how to use all these skills and have handouts when I'm not sure plus worksheets with questions on them to answer if I ever have doubts. These skills have pretty much saved my relationship with my beloved fiancee'. I highly recommend them. A good place to start in order to see what is involved is at this website: <a href="http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/" target="_blank">http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/</a>. After you view this site, if you feel this can work for you, look for a DBT counselor in your area and also consider group therapy. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-47972723807516056292011-12-18T12:13:00.000-06:002011-12-18T12:13:31.131-06:00Panic over finances and our decisions<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Still having ups and downs but most of them are financial. I can easily get panicky if I start thinking about the possibility of starving or losing our home but I'm guessing most people do. In case though, these "what if" statements rarely ring true. As it is, our cell phones have been disconnected due to nonpayment. We hope to get them back on within a week or so. Time will tell but don't think we'll lose anything else. Times are tough for everyone so worrying or panicking helps nothing and in most cases, makes things the worse. I'm embracing living in here and now and taking things one day at a time. It's too hard to go beyond that. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Due to the recent legal battles we've had plus recent prostate cancer surgery, we've decided it's best to push our wedding date back to May 27,2013 so we can enjoy the planning as well as the wedding day. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-57109244891067343602011-11-27T13:43:00.001-06:002011-11-27T13:46:30.215-06:00Post-surgery<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>This year, on September 22,2011, I had my prostate removed. There were cancerous cells in it and decided to have the operation to remove all traces of cancer. Surgery took 8 hours and I was in recovery for 3 1/2 hours. I chose DaVinci (robotic) surgery. I was home for about four weeks before returning to work. I'm back at work and recovering nicely. I face another 4-6 months of recovery though as I am temporarily impotent and slightly incontinent. Post-surgery, the removed organs were thoroughly biopsied and found to have no cancer spreading elsewhere. About two weeks ago, I had another PSA test and it was undetectable which is best case scenario. </b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-63376521724378774112011-06-01T23:18:00.000-05:002011-11-27T13:41:47.308-06:00I'M GETTING MARRIED IN 2013<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Well, my sweetheart and I are in the middle of planning our May 25, 2013 wedding. We even have a website at <a href="http://www.maxandleannesummer2012.com/">http://www.maxandleannesummer2012.com</a>. I have come a long way. Paruresis is no longer a part of my life. I have been tapering my Xanax down and take .125mg four times a day. I still take antidepressants although I'm not convinced I need them. Planning a wedding is so much fun! I am also involved in something called dialectic behavior therapy which is a godsend for people with anxiety problems. It teaches you important lifestyle skills in four parts: mindfulness, interpersonal skills, emotional regulation and distress tolerance. I'm shaking off the trauma of my past and am slowly inviting the goodness of my present and future. I have read books by Thich Nhat Hahn and they are wonderful. I can't wait to marry my beloved!!!! </b></span><b></b>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-72871593577749791542010-06-09T14:38:00.003-05:002010-06-09T14:43:11.422-05:0049th Birthday<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Today is my birthday. I've gotten a lot of well wishes via Facebook but most of all I spent the day with my beloved. We're getting along great and each day, I have more self-confidence. I have discovered the joy and freedom of meditation and present moment awareness. What this means is that instead of worrying about the past or the future I take stock of where my body and mind is RIGHT NOW. I recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's "The Miracle of Mindfulness' to all who have anxiety-related issues. I thank God for another year of life and I thank God for all the wonderful people in my life right now...and especially for my Beloved, Leanne Edwards. </span><br /></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-21164878039732307572008-12-14T19:32:00.004-06:002010-06-09T14:35:58.765-05:00Many changes<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family:arial;">Since my last blog, there have been many changes. I've moved into an apartment with my beloved and we're very happy. I honestly would never have imagined my present. about five years ago when my paruresis was at its worst, but here I am. I still have occasional paruretic attacks but can get through them fairly quickly. Part of the "treatment" is accepting it merely as part of who I am and not identifying myself in terms of the disorder. I have created a set of 3 x 5 cards as tools...each one with a positive thought. At work, I have in my cubicle a wall of empowering essays, articles, and sayings plus prayers. I have three pictures of the most influential people in my life: my sweetie, Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) and our new President, Barack Obama. After seeing him during his candidacy and watching how he is grace under pressure when under attack, I feel he's a good person to want to emulate. My girlfriend doesn't do evil and I am emulating that part of her as best I can. I have also learned to be honest. Never be embarrassed because you have anxiety issues. I'll post another blog soon.<br /></span></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10880568.post-16527055286709328282007-09-27T22:20:00.000-05:002011-12-18T12:16:15.765-06:00Arrested but innocent!<span style="font-size: 100%;"><b><span style="font-family: arial;">On June 26th of this year, I was arrested. Some woman on the train to work thought I was taking her picture with my cell phone and I wasn't so she turned me in and I was arrested and processed. On July 30th, I went to court and my case was dismissed since my accuser didn't show up. However she was given 140 days to reinstate the charges and then 20 days later I can begin expungement procedures to have my arrest record deleted but it will cost me $136. The more important part is that while locked up, I endured being locked up for nine hours 45 minutes without food, medication, phone call and without much water. I was not alone as there were other arrestees there but nobody I could trust to keep me calm and I had no access to my support system which means it was me vs me. I had to find a way to keep calm by myself. While I did suffer some stress-related after effects, the event has made me a stronger person because I missed two doses of my Xanax and one of Prozac and I had no problems and was able to keep myself calm. That is a huge accomplishment.<br /><br />I learned that I don't need to worry myself about what others think. What I think about myself is most important. Everyone else is free to think as they will. Getting scared, upset, or angry is a choice and I don't have to choose to be any of these things. For example, when I get a phone call that something terrible has happened to someone I love, I wait to see what shape they are in and how dire their situation is before I react. In the interim, it makes no sense to get all upset. As for gossips and those who talk behind my back, I honestly have no desire to know what they are saying. It doesn't matter to me. I'd rather be left in the dark. Also I would rather people not spare my feelings and tell me the truth. I'd rather have the harsh truth than a soft lie. The secret to finding peace is to know yourself and set your own boundaries. Once you've done that, you have to enforce the boundaries. In the real world, laws are no good if the authorities don't enforce them. It's the same with your own boundaries. You get upset only if you let yourself get upset. There are situations where you genuinely are justified in getting upset, angry, hurt, or scared but once the situation has passed and/or resolved, then you need to let it go. The woman who had me arrested, I'm sure, has gone on with her life. The police who made the arrest have moved onto other arrests. The only one who spent months dwelling on that incident was me and for a while I missed the lesson. The lesson is that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. In the most extreme way, I had to learn to rely on myself to stay sane in a situation that would have panicked the toughest person. I think I did very well. Despite the fact that the arrest will eventually be deleted from computers all over the city, state and country, it will never be deleted from my mind. What I need to do is remember the positive lessons learned and let go of the ugly memories. Easier said than done but definitely doable. I'll try to update this more often. <br /><br />As for the surgery I had last November, I had 20 staples in me when I finally was released from the hospital. I had them removed a week later. They had hoped to do the surgery laproscopically but when my appendix burst, what was left attached to the intestines flew behind my intestines so the surgeon had to take my intestines out of my body and get to the appendix so he could remove it. I'll write again.</span></b></span>Max Kohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04293514153893096646noreply@blogger.com0