End of a very rough week

I was supposed to meet with my cognitive behavioral therapist today. Unfortunately that never came to pass. I was up late last night with severe anxiety and when I woke up I found myself unable to go to the therapist's office so I e-mailed him and asked to re-schedule my appointment. I think I just planned too much for one week. I get overwhelmed too easily obviously. I need to get past that. I wasn't asking anything more of myself today than I have any other week whenever I go to see my therapist. I am emotionally beating myself up for not going. Oh well. Week's over and now it's a long three day weekend with President's Day coming on Monday.

Pulling out of the Bulls game

I have a history of pulling out of going places due to my anxiety disorders. Last night I was invited to a Chicago Bulls basketball game and I pulled out at the last minute. I'm trying not to let my anxiety problems dictate what I do with my life but I've been unsuccessful so far. I feel pretty bad about it. My dad always said I was a failure and would amount to nothing and I feel, at the moment, that he may have been right. It's really a downer knowing I pulled out. I have to create a similar situation and instead of pulling out, go through with it.

Starting from where I've been

My name is Max. I'm 43 years old and I've battled panic disorder and bashful bladder syndrome since I was a little boy. I didn't know that either disorder had a name until very recently. I learned about panic disorder in 1987 at the age of 26 and I learned about bashful bladder syndrome (aka paruresis) January 2004 at the age of 41. I've been on so many medications it would take a blog entry just to list them. I have been in psychotherapy for it since 1986. It affected my job to the point that I've been on medical leave for four years (minus four months i worked last year). The panic problem wouldn't be so bad if that was the extent of the problem but bashful bladder syndrome presents a litany of problems of its own that makes panic disorder a walk in the park except for the fact that my bashful bladder syndrome causes panic attacks.

So what is bashful bladder syndrome? For me, it's the inability to urinate in a public bathroom under any stress whatsoever, whether it be time constraints, someone waiting for me, or knowing that I'm in a very busy packed loud building like a sports arena or baseball park.

I just learned about treating it with cognitive behavior therapy last year (2004) and have been in CBT for a year so far. It's a long road I have to travel. The therapist introduces me to mental tools I can use but ultimately it's up to me to use them and to find success on my own. It's not a fight as some would think. That's not how you deal with it. You don't fight it. You ACCEPT it as part of who you are and move on ANYWAY. A good book that describes it better is "Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers MD.

I've landed in the emergency room a total of five times to be catherized because the bashful bladder problem got so bad i couldn't even urinate at home. I was in the ER three times in 1987 and twice in 2004. Ultimately they taught me how to self-catherize. Recently I've chosen to decide never to land in the ER for this condition again and never to be catherized again. I don't need it. If I have to wander off by myself and deal with it with nobody around, then so be it. Whatever it takes, that's what I'll do. Desperation has a way of helping you find a way where none existed before.