Surgery tomorrow

I have to have my appendix removed so I'm going in tomorrow for surgery. Surgery is scheduled to begin at noon CST and shouldn't last long. I have to be at the hospital by 10am. I'm not looking forward to it but it has to be done. I haven't had surgery since 1966 when I had my tonsils out. I keep saying that when it comes to surgery, I'd rather be the one going in than the ones stuck outside waiting for the person in surgery. Tomorrow I'll either prove myself right or eat my own words. I should be home by Tuesday. I have been out of work on disability since September when my appendix burst. I hope to be back at work within a couple of weeks. I just hope that my paruresis doesn't get in the way of this situation. I want things to go smooth. Those that read this, I ask for prayers and I appreciate any I get.

My birthday

Today is my birthday and I am glad I have my bashful bladder syndrome under control. I have mental tools I can use if I ever find myself in trouble like that again. I had a pretty good birthday which ended ten minutes ago. I'm learning about myself and that I'm worthy of self-respect. It's a good feeling. I still have some problems in some bathrooms but not in many of them anymore. I still have problems if I have to travel a long distance by car and I'm not the one driving.Things have quieted down in all aspects of my life: oniine, family, friends, work, everything. I'm glad as it will give me time to learn more about myself and how I got myself in various kinds of trouble over the last few weeks. Lord knows i can use the rest too. I got a nice clock/calculator and also a new addressbook for my birthday plus a bunch of cards and $30 in cash. In addition, I got a 1 gig card for my mp3 player. I love having over 100 songs on my mp3 player. I got tired of listening to the same old 37 or so songs I had on it when it only had a 250 meg flash memory card in it.

Ups and downs

Last week, April 29th of 2006, my family went to a White Sox-Minnesota Twins game (Sox won 9-2) but due to my panic, I didn't last three innings. Our seats were behind the catcher almost at the very top. We're talking ten ramps to walk then around 25-35 seats. Lots of triggers for panic and unfortunately I couldn't control it using my mental tools I learned in therapy. On the plus side, I did go to the game and I did last three innings and successfully used the bathroom there. Here it is a a week later and yesterday Chicago had a Partnership Day where the police and the community affirm their partnership against crime by getting together and having some fun together and strengthening our partnership ties. Unfortunately due to the slightly gloomy and occasionally rainy day, not many people showed up. I did stay for the whole thing and for the first time, I got on a horse. They had horse patrols there and two cops offerered to let people get on the horse and for the more knowledgeable, go for a short walk on a horse. I consider this a success for me in my anxiety problems as I was afraid to get on a horse but did it anyway. That's the secret of dealing with all kinds of anxiety problems..feeling the fear but doing it anyway and finding out there was nothing to be afraid of. After the disappointment of taking a taxi home from the White Sox game last week, it was nice to rebound and be on top of my game for this partnership day this week. I can't let one bad day keep me down anymore. I have to learn to let it go and move on.

Who do I want to be?

For many years, I kept stating what kind of person I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be abusive to any woman I dated or (God willing) married. I didn't want to belittle anyone at any time. On the flipside, I didn't want to be a doormat or someone's easy target. Well while i have a good idea of what kind of person I DON'T want to be, I don't have a good idea of what kind of person I DO want to be so that's my assignment this week. I need to come up with some sort of profile of the type of person I want to be. Part of this assignment is finding a role model that I can use as a foundation to build on. I have found that role model in my cousin's husband as well as her mom. I have some idea of what kind of person I want to be but I still need to flesh out the profile a bit more. After I get enough of a profile, then I need to take on the characteristics of that profile and eventually become the kind of man I want to be. It's not going to be easy and no, I won't be doing a total makeover (so to speak). I like many of my qualities but there are others I don't like. I come from a family of people who yell to get their point across. I don't want to be like that. I'd rather speak firmly yet calmly. I'd rather discuss rather than argue. I'm going to put on paper the qualities I want to embody and those I wish to discard and try to become that kind of person. It's not a huge difference than who I am today, only an improved version. There's always room for improvement so to set the goal for what I want, I need to set one or two SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Tangible) goals per week to get to where I want to be. No I won't be posting those goals in this blog but they will be posted in a place I feel safe putting them. For this week, I want to get an idea of where I want to end up. After that, each week I plan to take one step towards reaching that goal.

In the beginning

The first part of this was told to me by my late mother. When I was three months old, I got real sick one night. I was vomiting a green liquid so my mom took me to an ER. The doctor there told her to drive me around with the window of the car down for a a few hours and I'd be ok. She didn't take that advice seriously so either she or my dad talked to my paternal grandmother. Turns out she faced a similiar dilemma years ago with my uncle so she referred my mom to a doctor named Dr Laib. My mom took me there, the doc took one look at me and grabbed me and took me directly to the ER and performed surgery. I had an undescended testicle but more dangerous, I had a hernia that allowed a piece of stool to get lodged in my uretha. The doctor fixed all the problems and I survived.

Three years later, Dr Laib's assistant who had risen to the level of a top urologist, Dr Ivan Schrekovic ran some tests on me and found that one of the tubes that go from the bladder to the kidney was short. So another surgery was scheduled and while there he went over everything Dr Laib did to see how I progressed and it was all good. Those two doctors saved my life. When the doctor went over the surgery details with my mom, I know he told me that it was not safe to hold in one's urine and I could have sworn he said if I did, my bladder would explode. I obviously misunderstood what he was saying but I was merely three years old. I have since learned one can hold in their urine for 36 hours before they run into a situation that requires a trip to the ER. At 36 hours, it's possible that the urine can back up to the bladder and cause an infection.

At an early age though, the emphasis was put on my bladder, kidneys and urinary functions. Also my dad thought it was funny to hold the bathroom door closed so I'd think the door was jammed and I ended up freaking out. My mom had to tell him to knock it off.

Over the years, whenever I had to urinate, I had to put up with remarks like "don't fall in" or "if you fall in, flush", etc. I remember once my family went down to the lakefront (Lake Michigan) and I had to go so my father's cousin had to take me to the Drake Hotel to use the bathroom. In order for me to use that bathroom, my dad's cousin had to buy a drink so he had to spend like $5. He told me it was the most expensive piss in history. LOL

It began to get old to hear comments and see eyerolls whenever I had to go to the bathroom. When we'd go out as a family and I asked if we could stop someplace so I could use a bathroom, my father would get upset but eventually he did stop someplace. That's why even now I prefer going places on my own, where I'm in control, then going as a passenger where I'm at the driver's mercy. It's also how I learned to use the bathroom before I left the house and I wouldn't leave the house until I did.

Jutst a quck update

I just thought I'd tell you I'm doing quite well. Two weeks ago I went to a cousin's housewarming party and had no anxiety problems there at all. She did let me use her private bathroom and that helped. This past weekend I went to my uncle's house and I had no problems there either. Work has been the same. You'll notice this log entry is happening at a time when I should be at work. I slept hard last night dreaming I was Bruce Wayne/Batman. Kinda funny but hey, you can't help what you dream when you're asleep. I imagine I think I'm trying to save the world too much and should be focusing on saving myself or protecting myself from the world. Well anyway, I'm sorting through a few things with the help of a wonderful (and dare I say, attractive) therapist. I want to ask my psychiatrist if I can start coming off of some of my medications soon. I guess in time he'll make that call. Right now my top priority is keeping my job, getting some money together and getting a car so I can get out more. Having a baby in the house has made homelife very interesting but my niece and her husband plan to move out soon. That will leave my sister, her husband, their son and me plus three cats. That will give me a chance to spend more time with their son and bond a little as he's going to need a positive male influence. Wish me luck. Half the time I'm positive, and the other half I'm negaitve. LOL. Oh well. Thought I'd post something here.

Whew

Well I didn't lose my job...thank God! I got docked for Feb 2 and 3 and I used three vacation days for Feb 8-10. I've been back to work since Feb 14th and so far all is good. I haven't missed a day and I haven't been late. I'm almost back to where i was last Sept 1st when I returned to work and totally calm. This weekend one of my cousins is having a housewarming party after moving into her own apartment and Im invited. I'm going as I need to face my fears as much as she needs to do the same. It's win-win all around. I'm off Monday for Pulaski Day. Other than that, the anxiety is gone. My doctor took me off of Celebrex and switched me to Tylenol Arthritis Pain formula and it works just as well without any potential dangerous side effects. I guess life is as good as it can get for now. :)

Watch your medications

On Monday January 30th of this year, I went to see the doctor for stomach flu. While I was there I thought I'd have my perpetually runny nose dealt with. The stomach flu was viral so there wasn't much he could do. However, for the sinus problem, he gave me Allegra-D. Bad mistake. It has pseudoephedrine which is "speed" on the street. Turns out that it is not something that a person with anxiety disorders or with a history of urine retention (I'm in both categories) should be using. Unfortunately I was stupid and didn't read the pamphlet that came with the meds and took them for two days. It seems to have triggered the bashful bladder problem I have and anxiety symptoms. I have not been anxiety free since Feb 1. This is now Feb 11th so that means 10 days straight of anxiety. I have worked 3 of the past 10 working days and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be terminated. I hope I'm wrong. I'm going to talk to my therapist today and see if she or her supervisor will put me on medical leave for two months so I can avoid termination. I will use the two months to practice my CBT techniques in various bathrooms around the city and have my self-confidence back up to where it was last September. This is a three day weekend, thanks to Lincoln's Birthday. I'm going to practice all weekend so I can return to work on Tuesday.

New therapist, new challenges

Well I'm done with cognitive behavior therapy and my therapist Christopher was transferred so he sent me to a new student therapist named Rebecca. Now it's bad enough dealing with paruresis but I didn't think I could talk about it to a woman. I notice that I'm having trouble leaving Chris behind me and moving forward with Rebecca and she's doing her darnest to make me comfortable but it's not quite the same. I've got an email folder full of a year's worth of emails between Chris. Rebecca told me to leave it alone until we meet next weeknd. Anyway, seems now I've graduated to something called psycho-dynamic therapy. In this, she tries to get beyond my anxiety and paruresis and tries to get to the heart of the problem and find ways for me to become a better person. I was with Chris for three years so it's hard having to part with him and the thing is, ethically he can have no more contact with me at all. If Rebecca needs to consult with him, she can but I cannot. I have come to realize in a few short therapy sessions with Rebecca that "I have met the enemy and the enemy is me". What I mean by that I am my own worst critic when I do something wrong but I have little to no ability to reward myself for doing something right. I wish I could understand this but at this point, I can't. I do know HOW I got to this point....started with my dad telling me I was worthless and would never amount to anything when I was a kid. Obviously now I know he was just angry and his words were not accurate but just born out of his anger. I've been mistreated by a lot of people over the years so my homework assignment this week is to create a list of those people,excluding online people, who are my family, friends....in short, my support system, or those who should be my support system. Probably will be a short list. Also she gave me a form to fill out to give her an idea of my mental state and what she's working with.

As far as my paruresis goes, I'm now able to use a urinal when there's nobody else at a urinal in the same room. If they're in the stall, it's ok. It's a lot better than it used to be and I'm happy with my progress but I want to keep working at it. At this point, I use a corner urinal. I want to work towards using a urinal in the middle. I can't let what I learned in CBT slide away. It's valuable tools and like any tools, they do no good unless you use them.