2005 comes to an end

As the year comes to a close, I'm forced to look back and I've made good choices and bad choices. My best choice was to enroll in and follow cognitive behavior therapy. Since September 1, 2005, I have been back to work but I've been sick at least once a month. I was sick one day in September for stomach flu, four days in October for bronchitis and pneumonia, one half day in November for stomach flu again and four more days in December for bronchitis. Yet somehow I'm accruing time at work. They are happy and so am I. The bad choice I made is to think about others but spend NO time thinking about me. As the year 2006 comes in, I plan to spend more time thinking about what I want for my life. No more worrying about relationships and things not within my control.

When I get my tax refund, I'm opening up a checking account with it and then I'll add to it every two weeks that I get paid. Ultimately I plan to use some of that money to buy a car. There are books I want to buy as well that I plan to buy but none of that will come from my checking account. I have an alternate method of payment for books I want to buy.

In 2006, I'm going to spend my time improving myself. I'm not going to stop helping people but I just will cut back some and spend more time enjoying life. There's no way to know how much time I have left anyway so I might as well enjoy it. That's why I want a car. I can then hop into it and go to a karoake place or to my dad's house for a few hours or wherever I want to go. I'm looking to buy a car either from a person selling a car or from a police auction. Dealerships aren't the best way to go and I am sure I can get a better deal without them. Just my thoughts.

Happy New Year to one and all. Good riddance 2005. I'm a much better person at the end than I was at the start. :)

3 month update

I'm back to work now three months. In that time, I was off one day in September for stomach flu (which normally would sideline me for 3-4 days), I was off for four days in October for bronchitis/pneumonia (normally would sideline me for 1-2 weeks) and I was off a half day in November for stomach cramps and other signs of indigestion. Other than that, I worked straight. I did face disciplinary hearing in November for the 4 days I was off in October since all but half a day was covered by sick and vacation days. They let it slide but told me I have to prove I can accrue time or they'd have to end our employment relationship (fire me). I'm doing my best. CBT for paruresis is coming to an end but I'm going to be transferred to another CBT for social anxiety. I'll post in the next couple days my thoughts on the CBT progress to date and my conclusions.

Back to work finally

Well I returned to work Thursday September 1st. I breezed through the day and had very little problems in the bathroom. Everything went well. Friday, everything sucked. I had lots of problems urinating and was in panic mode all day. I don't get it. You would THINK I would freak out Thursday and feel better Friday. Now I got a three day weekend to try to make some semblance of sense to those two days. The good news is that I made it from start to finish of both days. I'm not on the computer much during the week (this Monday will be an exception due to it being Labor Day and we're off) but I will be on as much as possible on weekends. I will have to go to Evanston, IL for therapy on Saturdays but that's okay. It will give me a chance to review the week with a professional and iron out any rough spots. I will try to update this blogs on Sundays. :)

Trial and Error

I had turned in my letter from my doctor and was hoping to return to work today. Unfortunately mere hours before work, I had a full blown panic and paruretic attack. I eventually backed out. My dad tried to be supportive but my sister reamed me out. She has no clue what bashful bladder syndrome is. In a nutshell, when I get very anxious, my PC muscle tightens and it won't let urine pass through. My brother-in-law still thinks I need to go to the hospital and have x-rays and MRI of my brain. There's nothing wrong with my bladder or my brain except that the chemical imbalance in my brain causes me to panic which in turn causes the PC muscle to tighten up. My job seems to be a major trigger for me. Anyway, what I need to do is create a situation that is as close to what I'd be going through at work and work my way through the anxiety. Then I'll be ready to go back to work. I feel pretty disappointed that I wasn't able to return to work today. I hope to return soon.

Inducing panic symptoms

Well the next phase of my therapy has begun. We're inducing symptoms that are usually related to panic and could cause a panic attack. We started with breathing for a minute through a straw and not a drinking straw but one of those tiny thin ones that you use to stir your coffee. Imagine pinching your nose and breathing through your mouth through that tiny straw. Kinda scary and I was unable to keep it up for a minute straight without struggling for breath. The other exercise we did was heavy and hard breathing for a minute straight to emulate hyperventilation and I did get dizzy and anxious to the point my hands were shaking. I asked the therapist if he would leave at the end of session if I were having a panic attack and he declined to answer saying that he didn't want to allay my fears as I have to face them. Oddly enough at the end of session I did not have a panic attack. I was even able to use the urinal before leaving the office which was great. I guess that just because I have some strange body sensation, it's not necessary for it to turn into a panic attack. I have more to do like spinning in my seat for a minute straight designed to make me dizzy. Also, sitting in a chair with my head between my knees for a minute then straightening up real fast which would lead to wooziness and unsteadiness. This is going to be the toughest phase of therapy but I wanted to deal with the fear head on so here we go. I have to practice some of these exercises at home.

Aborted therapist visit

I was supposed to see my therapist on Friday. I got on my first train, no problem. When I got on the second one, I smelled something burning and I got panicky. The train stopped multiple times as the train operator tried to find out what was malfunctioning. At one point, she ripped open a panel behind the last set of seats before the back door of the train and did something. The smell in our car stopped but the malfunctions didn't. I would think, in light of the London tragedies, they would pull that train out of commission, have everyone get out, and drive that train back to the depot for repairs. Nope. I didn't get quite to my therapist's office and I panicked so I took the train back and guess what? I was on the SAME train with the SAME burning smell. When I saw an opportunity to switch trains to a better one, I took it. It was very scary but I used my breathing exercises and I told myself that whatever that burning smell is, it was not dangerous to me but I have to admit it did hurt my eyes. Whatever was burning could have eventually burst into flames. I think it was poor judgement of the transit authority and the train operator to keep that train in service despite the problems. I wish I had more information on the train but I do have what line it was and what time I was on it so that might be enough. I see my therapist again on Friday although I hope he does push it up somewhat so that I can get back to work soon. I have big plans on returning to work. I'm going to try starting my own business first and it falls short then I'm going to take a course in medical transcription and try to have a job where I can work from home. Then I can go out to enjoy myself. Something will work out...I just know it.

Just an update

Well my psychiatrist thinks I'm ready to return to work but my CBT doesn't just yet. I have to concur with my CBT. I have to see him tomorrow and that's a long ride in the 90+ degree heat we've had here. It's enough that the ride takes two hours but it's worse that it's so hot that it's hard to breathe. I have no clue how I'm going to make it and the thought makes me nervous but that's tomorrow. I have to live my life one day at a time which means I need to focus on TODAY. There is no guarantee there'll be a tomorrow. In addition, my psych says I don't need to tell everyone when I'm having trouble urinating....just those who will be positive support for me. For now I'm guessing that means my psych, my CBT and possibly my niece and sometimes my aunt. Well I've done enough rambling.

Another panic/bashful bladder episode

I just had the week from hell. I spent a week panicking and it made the paruresis act up. So there I was curled up in a little ball either on my bed or in my frontroom on the loveseat shivering. Day after day I prayed for relief and day after day I fought my way through the day. I didn't want to be around anyone and I was hypersensitive to noise and light. I have reason to believe that this episode, like the one last year, revolved around letting someone move in with me, this time temporarily. I had gotten screwed in the past and was afraid of getting screwed again. I should have realized this time, it was family and none of them would screw me (I hope). It took a bit but what got me out of the episode was classical music and a resolve that I would push myself out of my bed or love seat and back into my life. Little by little I accomplished this. I'm not totally back but I'm getting there. I urinate now with a minimum of effort which ensures I don't have another panic attack. The problem now is that I have what I call a reverse panic episode which means that I fear those things that provided me comfort during the panic episode.....my bed, classical music, staying inside too long, because I don't want to return from where I've already been. Yesterday I walked up and down my block. Today I ran a few errands close to home. Tomorrow I'm trying to set a goal to either go to Aldi's or to TJ's and if I go to TJ's I'll eat and practice using the bathroom there. If I go to Aldi's, I'll make sure to drink a lot at home so that when I get there I can use Aldi's bathroom. I have to get back to practicing using bathrooms in public places. I'll keep you posted.

Yesterday at McCormick Place East in Chicago, IL

Yesterday my sister and I joined thousands of other people for a citywide community event at McCormick Place East. There was a videotaped message from Mayor Daley. Then his wife Maggie Daley spoke, then Superintendent of Police Phil Cline spoke. We had news anchors from channel 2 and 5 as special hosts. When all the speeches were done, we got to go to two workshops of our choice. We had over 20 to pick from. I was panicky from the time we got there at around 8 to the time we left around 1:30 but the last hour was the worst. That was when I found out that the only "out" I had if I wanted to leave early was to walk nearly a mile to catch a bus or cab home. I stood the hour. Battling the panic and the bashful bladder problems were very tough. It took every tool I had in my arsenal, from thought challenging to breathing exercises and more. I somehow made the whole thing. I don't know if I'll return next year but then I have a year to make that decision. I did learn that panic doesn't have to limit what I do or what decisions I make. I did take my meds and towards the end, I managed to even eat a little bit. I amazed myself but I did restrict my fluid intake. A few times I thought I was going to pass out because during the whole five hours I didn't have a drop to drink (well that's not entirely true..I did drink a half glass of water in the last hour or so). Another thing that happened was taking a walk around the floor we were on and also going outside and seeing the lakefront helped. Most people I've told this to congratuated me but I feel depressed I'm still having panic problems. I thought that was behind me but if nothing else, this much I know. I know how far I've come and I know where I am now in my progress and how much more I have to do. I'm not sorry I went though because I got a nice carrying bag and a nice pen for my trouble. :)

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon and I have a youth subcommittee meeting I chair tomorrow night. I'm going to try to make both appointments. Anxiety can sometimes be very rough and I hate it. I hope to overcome it but I'm guessing it's one day at a time.

CAPS Appreciation Day

Yesterday I attended something that I helped organize. The CAPS (Chicago Alternative Policing Strategy) program brings the police and the community together for the common good so that we can work together to make our neighborhoods clean and safe. Well yesterday we had CAPS Partnership Day, a day to appreciate what CAPS offers to the community and to meet the officers who work in Neighborhood Relations. It was a huge success as we had approximately 500 people attend from all over the district. I ran from one side of the parking lot (where we held it) to the other doing different things and this was no small lot. Running out of breath on occasion created panic attacks but I didn't let them stop me. I merely took a time-out, did my breathing exercises, saw some very friendly faces and I relaxed. I'm learning all kinds of new things in cognitive behavior therapy and putting them to good use. I'm very proud of myself for getting through yesterday. It was definitely a milestone. And to add to it, towards the end of the day, I went to the station to use the bathroom and had no anxiety at all for the first time. I'm a happy guy with how that turned out.

In the heat of battle

This is what happened on 4/22 (keeping in mind that my sister and her crew live on the main floor of the house and I live in the basement): I don't know what bug crept up my brother-in-law's butt but he blew up tonight. He started yelling at damn near everyone and then it got physical with my sister and my niece. I ran up to try to tell him I called the cops, he lunged at me and my sister blocked him, both of them slamming the door on me nearly throwing me down the stairs, luckily I caught the banister. I called the police and this being Chicago, they're not here as per usual. He stormed out of here saying he was going to kill my niece's boyfriend (and her unborn baby's father). No, he wasn't on drugs or drunk. I just found out the cops were here and are now gone. They were told it was nothing more than a verbal altercation which was not true but ok, at least he is warned that I'm not above calling the cops. I have the flu and I do not need that kind of baloney in my house. I told them no fighting would be allowed and now they are warned I WILL call the police if I need to and next time I'll file a complaint and have him locked up. (Earlier tonight he told me, my wacky cousin is trying to get her mom committed so she will have full access to whatever is left of her mom's money. In an effort to stop this, my brother-in-law volunteered to go up to Wisconsin for a month [ THANK GOD!!! I WISH IT WERE TOMORROW HE WAS LEAVING] and he asked me to spy for him and let him know if my niece's boyfriend/fiancé/baby's father showed up here. I told him I'm not getting involved in that. Sorry, not my business. ) Now I took inventory of the emotions I'm feeling about this and here's what I've come up with: 1. Anger: I let him intimidate me and I refuse to let anyone do that to me again. My dad and brother did it for many years. 2. Grief: My niece was pregnant with twins. She miscarried one already and it may have had something to do with this altercation. That saddens me. 3. Fear/Anxiety: My brother-in-law won't talk to me since I told him I called the cops. When I'm anywhere near him, I'm afraid he'll attack me. An online friend thinks he's embarrassed for making a fool out of himself and that's why he stopped talking to me. 4. Guilt: I'm not sure whether calling the cops was the right call but they sounded like they (my sister and her husband) wanted to kill each other. My niece had a baseball bat. Also, I wonder if I should have told them I called the cops. The idea behind that was to let them know that I'm not above calling the authorities if I feel they are out of control and a danger to each other and to me. I still feel guilty because one or both of them could have been arrested. 5. Worry: I'm worried about the higher risk of a miscarriage of the remaining baby inside my niece, I'm worried because my brother in law has had chest pains and a headache since his rampage, I'm worried because my nephew injured his shoulder (not related to the war) and I'm worried because I'm not getting rid of the flu as fast as I feel I should be. 6. Frustration: I have insight into the situation. This is a repeat of my sister's history. My dad didn't like her now-husband but then-boyfriend, a war broke out, and my sister was tossed out of the house. Here it is nearly 20 years later and I can see history repeating itself. I know what they need to do to change that and to make things right but nobody will listen to me. I have the gift of insight (my regular psych confirmed this) but I can't figure out how to use it. What good is a gift you don't know how to use? And finally, I don't have someone to comfort me when I'm anxious. I'm tired of being my own cheerleader. It would be nice to have someone I can talk to and lean on when I'm weak and someone who can talk to me and lean on me when they are weak. So many emotions. When my brother-in-law (Edwin) is enraged, talking to him is out of the question. I feel bad for my niece that she lost one baby but again there's nothing I can do about it except be there for her as best I can. I don't know if I can get past my fear of Edwin's rage. I've tried to keep my distance for the past 24 hours. He won't even talk to me....an online friend says he's embarrassed. Possible. Everything I'm worried about, are things I cannot control. The best I can do is pray. As for what frustrates me, the gift of insight must have been given to me for a reason. I just have to figure out what it is or wait until the reason is revealed to me.

Starting on a new quest

As of Monday March 28, I'm going to use the bathrooms in the UIC main building and practice using the urinals. I will bring plenty of water to drink and I can use the lunchroom for breaks between attempts. It's a semi-busy bathroom especially during school hours and I want to try to use a urinal when there are others using them too. I want this to be a good first step to returning to work. I'm still trying to figure out my status there but even if I return for one day then either quit or get fired, I will have proven I can handle it. That's my goal. I hope to reach it.

One of the things I've done is gotten rid of all the toxic relationships I was in. That opens up a lot of room for new and healthier relationships with new and healthier individuals. I pray this is the start of a new happier time for me. I'm 43 and Lord knows I'm overdue for some happiness. I'm still looking for a new job and exploring the possibility of making the same money, if not more, with a work from home job. Don't misunderstand me. Even if I did have a work from home job, I wouldn't stay home. I'd work my eight hours then on weekends and on any day off I take (or get, however that works), I'll be outta here exploring the city and planning vacations. I guess one thing I need to do eventually is define the kind of life I want and what "normal" means to me and how to get from where I am to where I want to be. That's not going to be easy.

I've never had a normal life. It's always been strife with anxiety. I can't even imagine life without panic attacks. I am, however, looking forward to it. Maybe,just maybe, I will eventually be able to use my mental tools without the benefit of medication. That would be nice.

End of a very rough week

I was supposed to meet with my cognitive behavioral therapist today. Unfortunately that never came to pass. I was up late last night with severe anxiety and when I woke up I found myself unable to go to the therapist's office so I e-mailed him and asked to re-schedule my appointment. I think I just planned too much for one week. I get overwhelmed too easily obviously. I need to get past that. I wasn't asking anything more of myself today than I have any other week whenever I go to see my therapist. I am emotionally beating myself up for not going. Oh well. Week's over and now it's a long three day weekend with President's Day coming on Monday.

Pulling out of the Bulls game

I have a history of pulling out of going places due to my anxiety disorders. Last night I was invited to a Chicago Bulls basketball game and I pulled out at the last minute. I'm trying not to let my anxiety problems dictate what I do with my life but I've been unsuccessful so far. I feel pretty bad about it. My dad always said I was a failure and would amount to nothing and I feel, at the moment, that he may have been right. It's really a downer knowing I pulled out. I have to create a similar situation and instead of pulling out, go through with it.

Starting from where I've been

My name is Max. I'm 43 years old and I've battled panic disorder and bashful bladder syndrome since I was a little boy. I didn't know that either disorder had a name until very recently. I learned about panic disorder in 1987 at the age of 26 and I learned about bashful bladder syndrome (aka paruresis) January 2004 at the age of 41. I've been on so many medications it would take a blog entry just to list them. I have been in psychotherapy for it since 1986. It affected my job to the point that I've been on medical leave for four years (minus four months i worked last year). The panic problem wouldn't be so bad if that was the extent of the problem but bashful bladder syndrome presents a litany of problems of its own that makes panic disorder a walk in the park except for the fact that my bashful bladder syndrome causes panic attacks.

So what is bashful bladder syndrome? For me, it's the inability to urinate in a public bathroom under any stress whatsoever, whether it be time constraints, someone waiting for me, or knowing that I'm in a very busy packed loud building like a sports arena or baseball park.

I just learned about treating it with cognitive behavior therapy last year (2004) and have been in CBT for a year so far. It's a long road I have to travel. The therapist introduces me to mental tools I can use but ultimately it's up to me to use them and to find success on my own. It's not a fight as some would think. That's not how you deal with it. You don't fight it. You ACCEPT it as part of who you are and move on ANYWAY. A good book that describes it better is "Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers MD.

I've landed in the emergency room a total of five times to be catherized because the bashful bladder problem got so bad i couldn't even urinate at home. I was in the ER three times in 1987 and twice in 2004. Ultimately they taught me how to self-catherize. Recently I've chosen to decide never to land in the ER for this condition again and never to be catherized again. I don't need it. If I have to wander off by myself and deal with it with nobody around, then so be it. Whatever it takes, that's what I'll do. Desperation has a way of helping you find a way where none existed before.