Inducing panic symptoms

Well the next phase of my therapy has begun. We're inducing symptoms that are usually related to panic and could cause a panic attack. We started with breathing for a minute through a straw and not a drinking straw but one of those tiny thin ones that you use to stir your coffee. Imagine pinching your nose and breathing through your mouth through that tiny straw. Kinda scary and I was unable to keep it up for a minute straight without struggling for breath. The other exercise we did was heavy and hard breathing for a minute straight to emulate hyperventilation and I did get dizzy and anxious to the point my hands were shaking. I asked the therapist if he would leave at the end of session if I were having a panic attack and he declined to answer saying that he didn't want to allay my fears as I have to face them. Oddly enough at the end of session I did not have a panic attack. I was even able to use the urinal before leaving the office which was great. I guess that just because I have some strange body sensation, it's not necessary for it to turn into a panic attack. I have more to do like spinning in my seat for a minute straight designed to make me dizzy. Also, sitting in a chair with my head between my knees for a minute then straightening up real fast which would lead to wooziness and unsteadiness. This is going to be the toughest phase of therapy but I wanted to deal with the fear head on so here we go. I have to practice some of these exercises at home.

Aborted therapist visit

I was supposed to see my therapist on Friday. I got on my first train, no problem. When I got on the second one, I smelled something burning and I got panicky. The train stopped multiple times as the train operator tried to find out what was malfunctioning. At one point, she ripped open a panel behind the last set of seats before the back door of the train and did something. The smell in our car stopped but the malfunctions didn't. I would think, in light of the London tragedies, they would pull that train out of commission, have everyone get out, and drive that train back to the depot for repairs. Nope. I didn't get quite to my therapist's office and I panicked so I took the train back and guess what? I was on the SAME train with the SAME burning smell. When I saw an opportunity to switch trains to a better one, I took it. It was very scary but I used my breathing exercises and I told myself that whatever that burning smell is, it was not dangerous to me but I have to admit it did hurt my eyes. Whatever was burning could have eventually burst into flames. I think it was poor judgement of the transit authority and the train operator to keep that train in service despite the problems. I wish I had more information on the train but I do have what line it was and what time I was on it so that might be enough. I see my therapist again on Friday although I hope he does push it up somewhat so that I can get back to work soon. I have big plans on returning to work. I'm going to try starting my own business first and it falls short then I'm going to take a course in medical transcription and try to have a job where I can work from home. Then I can go out to enjoy myself. Something will work out...I just know it.