Last week, April 29th of 2006, my family went to a White Sox-Minnesota Twins game (Sox won 9-2) but due to my panic, I didn't last three innings. Our seats were behind the catcher almost at the very top. We're talking ten ramps to walk then around 25-35 seats. Lots of triggers for panic and unfortunately I couldn't control it using my mental tools I learned in therapy. On the plus side, I did go to the game and I did last three innings and successfully used the bathroom there. Here it is a a week later and yesterday Chicago had a Partnership Day where the police and the community affirm their partnership against crime by getting together and having some fun together and strengthening our partnership ties. Unfortunately due to the slightly gloomy and occasionally rainy day, not many people showed up. I did stay for the whole thing and for the first time, I got on a horse. They had horse patrols there and two cops offerered to let people get on the horse and for the more knowledgeable, go for a short walk on a horse. I consider this a success for me in my anxiety problems as I was afraid to get on a horse but did it anyway. That's the secret of dealing with all kinds of anxiety problems..feeling the fear but doing it anyway and finding out there was nothing to be afraid of. After the disappointment of taking a taxi home from the White Sox game last week, it was nice to rebound and be on top of my game for this partnership day this week. I can't let one bad day keep me down anymore. I have to learn to let it go and move on.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Who do I want to be?
For many years, I kept stating what kind of person I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be abusive to any woman I dated or (God willing) married. I didn't want to belittle anyone at any time. On the flipside, I didn't want to be a doormat or someone's easy target. Well while i have a good idea of what kind of person I DON'T want to be, I don't have a good idea of what kind of person I DO want to be so that's my assignment this week. I need to come up with some sort of profile of the type of person I want to be. Part of this assignment is finding a role model that I can use as a foundation to build on. I have found that role model in my cousin's husband as well as her mom. I have some idea of what kind of person I want to be but I still need to flesh out the profile a bit more. After I get enough of a profile, then I need to take on the characteristics of that profile and eventually become the kind of man I want to be. It's not going to be easy and no, I won't be doing a total makeover (so to speak). I like many of my qualities but there are others I don't like. I come from a family of people who yell to get their point across. I don't want to be like that. I'd rather speak firmly yet calmly. I'd rather discuss rather than argue. I'm going to put on paper the qualities I want to embody and those I wish to discard and try to become that kind of person. It's not a huge difference than who I am today, only an improved version. There's always room for improvement so to set the goal for what I want, I need to set one or two SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Tangible) goals per week to get to where I want to be. No I won't be posting those goals in this blog but they will be posted in a place I feel safe putting them. For this week, I want to get an idea of where I want to end up. After that, each week I plan to take one step towards reaching that goal.
Monday, April 10, 2006
In the beginning
The first part of this was told to me by my late mother. When I was three months old, I got real sick one night. I was vomiting a green liquid so my mom took me to an ER. The doctor there told her to drive me around with the window of the car down for a a few hours and I'd be ok. She didn't take that advice seriously so either she or my dad talked to my paternal grandmother. Turns out she faced a similiar dilemma years ago with my uncle so she referred my mom to a doctor named Dr Laib. My mom took me there, the doc took one look at me and grabbed me and took me directly to the ER and performed surgery. I had an undescended testicle but more dangerous, I had a hernia that allowed a piece of stool to get lodged in my uretha. The doctor fixed all the problems and I survived.
Three years later, Dr Laib's assistant who had risen to the level of a top urologist, Dr Ivan Schrekovic ran some tests on me and found that one of the tubes that go from the bladder to the kidney was short. So another surgery was scheduled and while there he went over everything Dr Laib did to see how I progressed and it was all good. Those two doctors saved my life. When the doctor went over the surgery details with my mom, I know he told me that it was not safe to hold in one's urine and I could have sworn he said if I did, my bladder would explode. I obviously misunderstood what he was saying but I was merely three years old. I have since learned one can hold in their urine for 36 hours before they run into a situation that requires a trip to the ER. At 36 hours, it's possible that the urine can back up to the bladder and cause an infection.
At an early age though, the emphasis was put on my bladder, kidneys and urinary functions. Also my dad thought it was funny to hold the bathroom door closed so I'd think the door was jammed and I ended up freaking out. My mom had to tell him to knock it off.
Over the years, whenever I had to urinate, I had to put up with remarks like "don't fall in" or "if you fall in, flush", etc. I remember once my family went down to the lakefront (Lake Michigan) and I had to go so my father's cousin had to take me to the Drake Hotel to use the bathroom. In order for me to use that bathroom, my dad's cousin had to buy a drink so he had to spend like $5. He told me it was the most expensive piss in history. LOL
It began to get old to hear comments and see eyerolls whenever I had to go to the bathroom. When we'd go out as a family and I asked if we could stop someplace so I could use a bathroom, my father would get upset but eventually he did stop someplace. That's why even now I prefer going places on my own, where I'm in control, then going as a passenger where I'm at the driver's mercy. It's also how I learned to use the bathroom before I left the house and I wouldn't leave the house until I did.
Three years later, Dr Laib's assistant who had risen to the level of a top urologist, Dr Ivan Schrekovic ran some tests on me and found that one of the tubes that go from the bladder to the kidney was short. So another surgery was scheduled and while there he went over everything Dr Laib did to see how I progressed and it was all good. Those two doctors saved my life. When the doctor went over the surgery details with my mom, I know he told me that it was not safe to hold in one's urine and I could have sworn he said if I did, my bladder would explode. I obviously misunderstood what he was saying but I was merely three years old. I have since learned one can hold in their urine for 36 hours before they run into a situation that requires a trip to the ER. At 36 hours, it's possible that the urine can back up to the bladder and cause an infection.
At an early age though, the emphasis was put on my bladder, kidneys and urinary functions. Also my dad thought it was funny to hold the bathroom door closed so I'd think the door was jammed and I ended up freaking out. My mom had to tell him to knock it off.
Over the years, whenever I had to urinate, I had to put up with remarks like "don't fall in" or "if you fall in, flush", etc. I remember once my family went down to the lakefront (Lake Michigan) and I had to go so my father's cousin had to take me to the Drake Hotel to use the bathroom. In order for me to use that bathroom, my dad's cousin had to buy a drink so he had to spend like $5. He told me it was the most expensive piss in history. LOL
It began to get old to hear comments and see eyerolls whenever I had to go to the bathroom. When we'd go out as a family and I asked if we could stop someplace so I could use a bathroom, my father would get upset but eventually he did stop someplace. That's why even now I prefer going places on my own, where I'm in control, then going as a passenger where I'm at the driver's mercy. It's also how I learned to use the bathroom before I left the house and I wouldn't leave the house until I did.
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