Just an update

Well my psychiatrist thinks I'm ready to return to work but my CBT doesn't just yet. I have to concur with my CBT. I have to see him tomorrow and that's a long ride in the 90+ degree heat we've had here. It's enough that the ride takes two hours but it's worse that it's so hot that it's hard to breathe. I have no clue how I'm going to make it and the thought makes me nervous but that's tomorrow. I have to live my life one day at a time which means I need to focus on TODAY. There is no guarantee there'll be a tomorrow. In addition, my psych says I don't need to tell everyone when I'm having trouble urinating....just those who will be positive support for me. For now I'm guessing that means my psych, my CBT and possibly my niece and sometimes my aunt. Well I've done enough rambling.

Another panic/bashful bladder episode

I just had the week from hell. I spent a week panicking and it made the paruresis act up. So there I was curled up in a little ball either on my bed or in my frontroom on the loveseat shivering. Day after day I prayed for relief and day after day I fought my way through the day. I didn't want to be around anyone and I was hypersensitive to noise and light. I have reason to believe that this episode, like the one last year, revolved around letting someone move in with me, this time temporarily. I had gotten screwed in the past and was afraid of getting screwed again. I should have realized this time, it was family and none of them would screw me (I hope). It took a bit but what got me out of the episode was classical music and a resolve that I would push myself out of my bed or love seat and back into my life. Little by little I accomplished this. I'm not totally back but I'm getting there. I urinate now with a minimum of effort which ensures I don't have another panic attack. The problem now is that I have what I call a reverse panic episode which means that I fear those things that provided me comfort during the panic episode.....my bed, classical music, staying inside too long, because I don't want to return from where I've already been. Yesterday I walked up and down my block. Today I ran a few errands close to home. Tomorrow I'm trying to set a goal to either go to Aldi's or to TJ's and if I go to TJ's I'll eat and practice using the bathroom there. If I go to Aldi's, I'll make sure to drink a lot at home so that when I get there I can use Aldi's bathroom. I have to get back to practicing using bathrooms in public places. I'll keep you posted.